Experience article

Everything I trusted wasn't right anymore

Interview with a gambling addict's partner

Ten years ago, she discovered that her husband had a gambling addiction. He had lost all their wealth, and had large debts to relatives. Thanks to her family, he told her.

It was a great shock to her. She hadn't seen it coming. In a marriage where openness and honesty were seen as great values, she expected no secrets.

After a difficult period, they managed to rebuild trust together. You can read her story below.

How did you find out?

It all started with family. He occasionally borrowed lump sums from relatives, and when they found out about each other, they got worried. It was mainly my sister-in-law who recognized the pattern from her own experience with a gambling addict in her environment. My family then gave him the choice: either we tell your wife or you tell it yourself. He chose the latter and struck up a conversation with me. Until he came to talk to me himself, I had no idea what was going on. It was arranged that he did the finances and it had always gone well so I had no reason to doubt or check anything.

Did puzzle pieces fall into place?

Yes that's right. There were indeed things that I didn't look for at first, but which later turned out to point to something. An example of this is that at a certain moment I was no longer able to use the debit card because my debit card was broken. Later it turned out that he had broken it to hide what had been deducted from the bill. It really was a slap in the face when I found out. I trusted him completely and I had no experience with addictions in my environment. It never occurred to me that this could be the case.

What went through your mind then?

At first I immediately felt a number of primal instincts arise that were mainly aimed at our children. I wanted to protect them and keep them safe. Immediately questions ran through my head... can we still live here? What is going to happen financially now? All security was swept away from under my feet. In the supermarket I could almost cry at the checkout. At the time we lived with four children, of whom also small children at home.

What did you do then?

We were both really broken. I of this message, he because the lying broke him but also the realization of what was really at stake. He literally came out of a daze. At the same time, it also felt like a relief to him. I, on the other hand, was just at the beginning of a period of great misery. Also for the sake of the children we first looked up the distance. He temporarily moved in with his mother. There were clear agreements about the contact between the two of us. We talked a lot. I just had to be there for the children and had my own coping process. That made me unable to be there for my husband. Distancing has been the right thing to do. He then sought help from the AGOG and together we could immediately go to the crisis shelter in Altrecht. A very nice counselor worked here who really helped us then. He also received good help from the GP.

What did you support during that period?

My parents and close friends were a great support. The AGOG was also a great support to me because here you can hear stories from experts by experience who are already further along in their process. This gives hope. It also helps that people don't judge but listen.

What has been the hardest?

That everything that was true for me suddenly turned out to be very different for the other. It felt like everything was one big play for my husband. Everything I trusted wasn't right anymore. I myself come from a family in which trust and openness are very important values ​​and I assumed that this was also the case in my marriage. It was hard for me to see that my husband wasn't himself at the time.

What role did you have in the recovery?

Stay very clear and at the same time remain accessible. I wanted to help him and get through it together. On the other hand, I've been very strict, I made it very clear to him that he shouldn't do this again. I couldn't have done this again. I think the most important thing was that I didn't push him off at the time. It was good to live separately for a short period of time. We kept in touch, talked a lot and worked together. I also asked him a lot for an explanation because you just don't understand some things if you are not prone to addiction yourself. It's important to recognize that you just don't understand some things.

What can you recommend to others?

Don't make hasty decisions. Don't act out of anger and sadness and let the misery sink in first. That way you can let it sink in how much you love someone and whether you can muster it to forgive someone. Find out the partner's story. Why does he gamble? Often there is a lot of grief behind it and they want anesthesia for it.

How long did it take for you to regain confidence in them?

That question is hard to answer. It's gradual. In the beginning, I felt like a police officer. I took over all the finances. As a matter of fact, I still do all the finances now, partly because he can't see it anymore but also a little with the thought that it won't happen to me again that I don't have insight into my own finances. His behavior gradually gave me my confidence back. He had turned in his passes to me and he was open and clear about things. It did give us both peace of mind at first that he had turned in his passes to me but it's not nice, you just want to be able to trust someone. I noticed that he was working very hard to get everything right again and to do right by his family. When he asked for his passes back it didn't sit right with me because my trust wasn't quite back yet. Ultimately, it is the partner who determines when there is enough trust again to give the passes back. The moment the problems come out, the gambler starts the recovery while for the partner the misery only just begins. Fortunately, he gave me that time and did not pressure me. Not long after, I gave him back his passes. Openness and honesty are very important here so that the partner can see exactly what any money has been spent on.

How are things now?

Things are going very well between us now. Sometimes when I ask a question he thinks there is a particular reason behind it. Then it seems to him that I want to control him while I don't mean to. The trust that once existed has been completely restored.

The period after the confession of a gambling addiction can be a difficult time, also for the partner of the person with the addiction. Feelings such as anger, lack of understanding and uncertainty are part of it and deserve attention. They are difficult feelings that can hinder the view of the road to improvement.

Partners (and other loved ones) are more than welcome to contact us. Our counselors always offer a listening ear, answer questions and think along with you about how to proceed.